It's a hell of a thing killing a man

I paced around my room in worried steps. It was one of those rare moments when I saw cushions and papers strewn around the room but didn’t fidget to put them back in place. A restlessness surged in my heart and overpowered all the compulsive instincts. Once again I looked at the papers that detailed my next move. I hated such crossroads. More than a crossroad, right now it felt like walking on a tight rope, I was doomed to fall on either side. I sat on the floor and hid my face in my hands, as if that would hide me from the trouble that lingered in the air. I heard the door of my room open and was relieved to see Zahir. 

“I can’t do it” I threw my hands in the air in surrender, “I can’t kill Jay”

“But we talked about this. It is better that way, isn’t it?” He said, putting aside his bag. He walked towards me in slow steps, his eyes trying to read me. I nodded, helplessly. He pulled me into his arms and planted a chaste kiss on my forehead. I rested my head on his chest, breathing him in, breathing sanity in.

“I know it’s hard for you Sana. It always has been. But keeping him alive doesn’t solve anything. It will only make you suffer, countless nights. Do you think you want that?” His hands rubbed my back, easing me into thinking. He had a point. I had gone over this with him twice since last three days, and had tried to think of so many reasons why I should give Jay one more chance, but nothing proved helpful. Every time I killed someone, a part of me died. I wasn’t a monster, but my job demanded it, time and again.

Routine reminded me that I had a bake in the oven, and kids would pound at me any time for food. Putting my dilemma aside, I pulled away from Zahir and told him to take a shower while I set the table for dinner. He had been so patient with me. He never judged me for what I did. He had this psychic super power to read my thoughts even before I could confessed them. He knew how my work at times tore me apart, and I would go into seclusion, ignoring all duties of an ideal wife, an ideal mother, but he would never complain. In my profession, people led two lives, and he understood that. Despite his own work, he would mend the strands that I left lose in our lives. I couldn’t have asked for a better husband.

As everyone poked their folks into the bake to take their slices, I wondered if stabbing with a knife until he runs out of breath would give Jay the end he deserved. Or would that be too pedestrian? It had a spectacle of a kill. After all, people like Jay don’t die every day. A man’s death must justify the life he led. Looking for options, I pondered over chain-saw, acid injections, nasal…

“Ammi, you are the best cook ever” chimed Ruhina, the younger of my two, as she stuffed another bite of baked lamb and cheese into her mouth.

If only she knew her mother was cooking up a murder.

I was embarrassed by that thought. I looked up at her and Zaara, my daughters who were my life, and a thought struck me.

“What about his daughter Ana? She loves him so much. Is it fair to her?” I whispered to Zahir.

“She will move on sweetie. I am sure you will look after that. Moreover, she carries Jay’s secret, the potentially dangerous invention that he had been working on for years. Jay’s death would give her a purpose, a reason to fight for, and this time with her heart and soul, to make sure the invention doesn’t fall in the wrong hands. She doesn’t know about Jay’s intentions behind it. She still sees him as her hero, a genius scientist who dedicated his whole life for a purpose so noble. If there is anyone who can bring her out of the myth, it is you” How did he see things so rationally? Sometimes I thought he would be better at my job than I am. He was practical and evaluated things keeping emotions at bay, a skill I lacked. I wished we could switch places.

As I did the dishes, my mind recapitulated Jay’s timeline since the day I was working on his case. He was a loving father. Ana was not his biological daughter but he had never loved her like less. He got her custody after her parents, Jay’s friends and co-scientists, died in an unexplained accident. Since that day, he had tried his best to fill that void in Ana’s life, like she filled the one in his. He was also an exemplary scientist. He is work in Genetics and Immunology won him accolades and prestigious awards. Had he lived longer, his ingenious breakthroughs could have revolutionized life sciences. But circumstances made him turn his back on all the good he did or could have done. He sided with the evil. The technology he had developed now could either advance the human race or end it.

I looked at the clock, it was past eleven. The kids had gone to bed and it was time for me to escape into my other life that needed me badly. I stared into the mirror for a minute and pulled my hair into a bun, getting set and shaking off all the side thoughts. Zahir appeared from behind me and brought his arms around me waste, his reflection keeping his eyes on mine.

“There is a time set for people to walk in and out of our lives. Everything is planned to serve a bigger purpose. If anyone stays even a second longer than they are supposed to, it changes the course of things and causes disorder. What means more, the bigger plan or your momentary attachment? You decide” He kissed my cheek, reaffirming his support.

He was right. I had made my decision and there was no backing out. Jay will die tonight. I walked out of the room in hushed steps, careful not to wake up the girls. I entered the study, it was dark like the images in my mind. The room was dimly lit by the screen my laptop. The file waited for me at the desktop. I opened it and took a deep breath. After a couple of hours of uninterrupted typing, I finished the chapter and killed the character of Jay from my story, forever. I was not a planned writer, so my imagination often caught me off guard. As the twists and turns appeared in my mind, I had to deal with them then and there, building every word from the last one. It was most difficult when I had to kill a character, it felt like killing a real person. Every character opened doors to various new possibilities. Killing it meant closing all those doors but one and proceeding from there. And if that went wrong, going back on a thriller to alter the plot was one hell of a task.